Dear Friends,
Talking to someone I recently met about a mutual friend, I said, “Well, I have known him for about 20 years.” In the exchange, I was very adamant about informing him how many people I knew and for how long.
After the conversation, my partner Cecily asked me, “Why did you guys both feel the need to FLEX in the conversation?”
We were not flexing muscles; we were flexing power in a different way: the flex of who we knew and for how long.
Like dogs trying to figure out dominance by barking, we were both trying to one-up the other.
Essentially, we were flexing. And it is sad.
What is underneath our flexing?
In my experience, it is usually some level of unworthiness. We feel incomplete and feel the need to build ourselves up. Flexing tries to cover what is tender.
Where I live in Silicon Valley, there is a lot of flexing around accomplishments. But we can flex with anything — our clothes, the vocabulary we use, even so-called “spiritual endeavors.”
“Well, I meditate two hours a day.”
“I have actually done 7 Ayahuasca retreats, you should know.”
“I have attained so much depth in my life. I have really grown and succeeded.”
Does it have relevance to the conversation … or is it just a flex? Does it breed connection or separation?
We all likely find ourselves flexing at times, but it does not take much to shift, to notice, and to connect from a deeper place.
May we all learn to non-flex, to see with open eyes and care, and to connect with another person more than compare and compete.
Wishing you a beautiful day of non-flexing!
Blessings,
SOREN
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Hi Soren, your post is lingering with me. Flexing as a form of isolation as a form of separation. That kept coming back to me. And yes it is sooo common in our culture.
Staying in connection even when someone is flexing me.. I've been experimenting with that. And boy, it's quite intense. First is to honor that a part of me is angry! Allow that energy to come through. Then to bring compassion to that part of me that is angry while not reacting and flexing back. Whoa all of this is intense and takes soooo much awareness.
And then I notice my own flexing at times to get some sort validation, some sort of praise.. which is wanting perhaps a misguided connection in a roundabout way.
Definitely feel my current moments have shown me your message loud and clear.
I’ve known you for 20 years now! Oh, wait. (Just a silly response to a great post. Thanks, Soren.)