“Soren, she did not say it that way at all,” my sister Sola said, “You had such an intense reaction to her.”
We were finishing dinner, and my partner Cecily had just shared a concern she had about me, and I took it as a criticism.
My response was very much, “Screw you!”
On reflection, this response has been my go-to for a while.
The History of Screw You!
Growing up as a non-Christian in a fundamental Christian town in West Texas, kids would say to me, “You know, if you do not believe in Jesus Christ, you are going to hell.”
My response to them at the time was, essentially, “Screw you!”
Later when I had an idea for a gathering on wisdom and technology, and people told me, “You have no experience or credentials for doing that,” my response again was, “Well, screw you!”
While this has been a superpower of sorts, and needed at times, it has also been a hindrance.
It is similar to bars we put up to protect ourselves when there is danger. They can help, but those same bars (when the danger is gone) can serve to limit or imprison us.
Our Survival Strategies
While there are times when “screw you!” is needed, it turns out this is not always the best response to feedback!
It is a survival strategy.
And the patterns that can be the most challenging to release are the ones that served us at a particular time. They helped us … for a time.
Of course, your survival strategy may be something else: yours may be to criticize, or isolate, or attack others, or overwork.
And it can help to inquire:
What are the survival patterns we have developed that no longer serve us?
What are the bars we have put up that may no longer be needed?
May we all find those places that no longer serve, bow to them and appreciate what they have done for us, and also expand so our capacity to love and learn deepens.
Join us. I hope to see you at an upcoming online or in-person event below.
Blessings,
Soren
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I actually love the "screw you" term and think I need to adapt it more in my life! It has energy and spice to it. In New Zealand the term would probably be "bugger you". It's a good one to say to myself internally when faced with the 'nay sayers" and doubting Thomases when your heart and soul tell you you must keep going. I get your point though! Jo 🙏