Non-Separation
Dear Friends,
I love giving people advice as much as the next person, but it has its limits. It is easy to think that we need to tell people what to do.
“You know, John, you have this issue with anger and here is what you should do.”
Or
“You know Ann, I really need to tell you about this pattern of blaming you have.”
This may be well intended, and there may be times to confront people, but in general it is very hard to get people to see what they don’t have the capacity to see.
If they had the capacity to see it, they would already be aware of it.
One inquiry I have learned to ask myself is:
“Am I coming from a place of separation or non-separation?”
From a place of SEPARATION, we think, “I know so much more than them.”
And we may in fact see patterns that are true, but in separation our goal is not to guide them toward their own great nature, but to be right.
Our advice does little to help them build their own capacity to see clearly.
From a place of NON-SEPARATION, on the other hand, we see we are all on a learning journey and that every quality we detest or admire in others is also inside us.
Rather than telling them what to do, we can inquire:
“How do I build capacity in myself and support others in building their capacity to see clearly?”
TV news is often one big practice in separation.
“Can you believe what Trump said?” or “Can you believe what Biden did?” CNN or Fox news asks. The viewers then get ego hits of righteousness, thinking, “Wow, I am so much better than that idiot!”
And the news plays on, with no one ever having to look at how they contribute to the discord in our society. Someone else is always the problem.
It makes for compelling TV, and a very dysfunctional society.
Non-separation involves allowing a deeper intelligence to guide us. We know in speaking to another person we are simply speaking to another aspect of ourselves.
We can have hard conversations, but it feels like “us learning together” instead of “you are the problem.”
For me, these have different resonances in my body … one is tense and charged, the other more relaxed and at ease.
Sometimes it can even be the same words spoken, but the energy of “we” feels much more spacious and open, and is often received much better.
I do not always know what to do or say, but I have noticed that if I simply inquire, “Am I coming from a place of separation or non-separation in this moment?” there is usually more space to connect.
The inquiry does the work.
Blessings,
SOREN
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This was helpful to me today.
I've found that often asking questions, rather than giving advice is helpful and empowers others to look a little more deeply. Also, it frees us from thinking we understand the entire situation completely...because we probably don't. And...because we all have different world views, our advise may mean little to the other person. For instance, if you say to someone who overpaid for a service, "You trust everyone too much. You really got ripped off." This may not resonant with someone who is trusting and likes that aspect of themselves. Instead asking, "Do you think that was a fair price and did you appreciate the person you worked with," would give them an opportunity to explore if they felt they got a fair deal or not. There are a lot of examples but I love the idea of "asking beautiful questions," as David Whyte says.