Loss

Dear Friends,

I always try to write about what is real and true on this Substack.

Right now, what is real and true for me is loss.

On Friday, my 85-year-old father passed away. On Saturday, our beloved 12 year-old Bernese Mountain dog Sacha also passed through the portal.

Both were extremely dear to me. We knew both transitions were coming so they were not big surprises, but it was a lot to hold in less than 24 hours.

I can only imagine that everyone reading this has lost someone dear to them.

Death, in some ways, is the great unifier.

Ways of Seeing

There are many ways to view any situation, including death.

For example, over 1,500 people died in Iran the past few weeks. This includes about 175 elementary school kids, seemingly from a misplaced US bomb.

And beyond Iran, the past year has brought immense loss across the region — in Israel, Lebanon, and Gaza — where many have died in very painful and violent ways.

My father, on the other hand, died with great medical care and a loving family around him, after a long life. And my dog was kindly assisted in her transition with a skilled vet.

As deaths go, they were beyond fortunate. And I had the great blessing and life situation to take time off work to be with them.

My Pain and “the Pain”

Yet what determines our level of suffering in any loss?

One of my teachers, Stephen Levine, talked about the difference between “my pain” and “the pain.”

“My pain” is to view our hardship as personal to us; “the pain” is to see that no matter what we are experiencing, hundreds if not thousands of other people are experiencing the same thing in that moment.

We see the universal in the personal.

“True healing happens when we go into our pain so deeply that we see it, not just as our pain, but everyone's pain.
It is immensely moving and supportive to discover that my pain is not private to me."
— Stephen Levine

The Process

Stephen Levine, who worked for decades with those facing death, often asked, “Can you keep your heart open in hell?”

I heard him ask this question at a workshop maybe 35 years ago, and it has stayed with me ever since.

We may have little control over whether a very challenging or “hellish” experience arises, but our heart — whether we close and shut down, or open and feel — that is within our capacity.

So in this world of gain and loss, of success and failure, of birth and death, of wins and losses … can we keep our heart open?

I am not always sure how to do this at times, but I know when a challenge closes me and I personalize it as “my pain,” and when it expands and deepens me.

So today, may life (in all its beauty, joy, love, and pain) expand us.

Thanks for reading.

Blessings,

SOREN

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