Let Me Give You Some Advice
Dear Friends,
“I find no fucking reason to be calm,” the kid in the juvenile hall yelled at me. This was many years ago and I had just guided a meditation and must have said something about being calm.
He continued, “I have so much shit going in my life. I got a court hearing tomorrow, I have people who want to kill me, and you are telling me to be calm?” He was right, and ever since that day, whenever I find myself wanting to give someone advice, I think of this kid.
It is easy to tell someone, “just calm down,” or “do not be so angry,” or “I would have thought you would be more grateful.” We try to dictate their experience, instead of simply inquiring, “What are you experiencing in this moment?”
How many kids are told to “calm down,” everyday by adults who are anything but calm when they say it?
This is of course true for anyone in our lives — kids, a partner, a coworker, a friend … how much of our advice to them could be much better served with a compassionate inquiry such as, “I would love to know what you are experiencing in this moment.”
Of course, there are likely times for giving advice too and setting boundaries. However, increasingly if I am triggered or someone in my life is triggered, usually a thoughtful inquiry into my direct experience is much better received than any advice.
So the next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone, “here is what you should think” or “here is what you should feel” maybe we just inquire: What is actually true in this moment?
Some years ago the renowned Tibetan Buddhist teacher named Mingyur Rinpoche guided a meditation at a Wisdom 2.0 event. In it, he encouraged people to relax different parts of their bodies. Then he said something I thought was quite profound:
"If you cannot relax, OK. Allow that you cannot relax. When you allow that you cannot relax, that means you are relaxing."
Instead of advice, can we be with our direct experience and invite others to as well?
This is my advice today :-)
Blessings,
SOREN
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My Dad used to tell me to keep calm...you can imagine how well that went over. Great piece and a great reminder.
To translate this into a principle, it would be "acceptance." That is primary. Fighting with reality is a losing battle -- before any reacting, let things be. This is a fundamental law of consciousness -- better than forgiveness, where you have to torque reality to wiggle into it, but acceptance has no struggle to it. My Substack today is the boldest call to consciousness I've ever done, and listen to the podcast at 18:45 for a rundown on acceptance: https://open.substack.com/pub/suzannetaylor/p/delivering-the-wake-up