I Cannot Believe it!
Dear Friends,
Recently someone spoke rudely to me, and I thought, “I cannot believe what that person said to me!”
My first response was disbelief.
Then I asked myself, “Can I really not believe why the person acted in this way?
What if I learned the person in question was diagnosed with cancer that morning?
Or their child was in the hospital for a life threatening disease?
Or their close friend just got in an accident?
Or they have old trauma that still impacts them?
Could I believe the person’s actions if I knew this?
Of course I could. It would make sense, and I would have compassion for them. I would see there is a deeper story.
But what if everyone’s actions make sense at some level, and I just lack background information?
Free Will
Robert Sapolsky, a professor of biology, neurology and neurosurgery at Stanford University (and author of Determined), goes so far to suggest everything we think and do is caused by something other than free will.
“The notion of humans as inherently rational beings has been not only trashed in economics, but trashed in all the best research on moral decision-making.”
Of course, we need repercussions for certain actions, and some people need to be separated from society for safety reasons, but what if it all makes sense, if we only knew the deeper story?
THE NEXT TIME
So the next time someone acts in a way that is surprising or rude, rather than believe the thought, “They clearly knew what they were doing,” maybe we just become curious and do not take it personally.
We focus on compassion, even if we do not know the whole story. As Sharon Salzberg invites us:
“Whatever life presents us, our response can be an expression of our compassion.”
What if there is “a deeper story” we may never know?
Of course, we can choose to not engage with certain people in the future, but we can do so without thinking that we know the whole story, and that we are the victim.
That is a weight that we do not have to carry. There is so much we do not know.
Wishing you a day filled with curiosity and deeper understanding!
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Blessings,
SOREN
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the practice "just like me" is a beautiful accompaniment to this teaching. Everyone has experienced happiness, pain, difficulties, triumphs, and wants joy and good health, just like me.
The writers of “Crucial Conversations” invite people to ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational person behave that way?” I might add to that the question, "What pain or unmet need might be behind their harsh words or actions?"