From Should to Curiosity
Dear Friends,
One of my teachers, Stephen Levine, used to say, “Whenever you say ‘should,’ you close your heart.”
Most of us carry around a mental model—a story—of how people ought to live, and then we offer that story to others in the form of a should.
“You should get a job.”
“You should exercise.”
“You should be more like this, less like that.”
We get “should on” all the time, often by well-meaning people who don’t realize they’re placing their story on us.
Of course, life needs rules, agreements, and shared structures. But should carries a particular energy.
Should rarely asks questions.
Should isn’t curious.
Should doesn’t think it has much to learn—because should already knows it’s right.
When we speak from should, the other person becomes someone to convince, not someone to understand.
Curiosity and Should
You might say, “Well, my child should clean his room.”
Maybe. But if our goal is a clean room, does shoulding them get us there?
Or does curiosity — exploring why standards matter, listening for what they need —lead to better outcomes?
Are we building connection with someone or just trying to get our way?
The greatest innovators are often people who question society’s shoulds. They invent and create the future, not just the follow the ways of the past.
Not Shoulding Should
We need to be careful not to think, “You should not use the word should.” :-)
But more to inquire:
How does should show up in your life — toward yourself or others?
What happens in your body when you think or say the word should?
Where is your heart in that moment?
We investigate and we learn — not because we should learn, but because we want to learn.
Blessings,
SOREN
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Join us as we reflect on this year’s learnings and explore our intentions for the year ahead.
Dates
December 23rd @ 9am PDT / Noon EDT / 6pm CEST (Lessons from 2025)
December 30th @ 9am PDT / Noon EDT / 6pm CEST (Intentions for 2026)




thank you. we ought to be more aware of the words we use.