Family Issues!

“If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

— Ram Dass

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Dear Friends, 

As the holiday season begins, many of us will get more time with our family, which often brings its share of joys … and its share of challenges. 

Generally, no one can trigger us as much as our family can.

There are often decades of material to draw on. “When you were 7 years old, you said to me …” or “For the last 40 years, you have always …”

The data base of grievances can be large. 

Of course, there is often so much love in families, but it can be hard to access at times. A few practices I try:

NOTICE. 

While interviewing Gabor Maté recently on the Israel / Palestine conflict, he reminded me that it is natural to feel anger or sadness, or even rage; the practice is simply to notice “there is anger in me,” or “rage is present,” or “joy is here now.”

We first need to “be with what is” by allowing and acknowledging what is true for us in that moment.

SPACE. 

When we get triggered, it is easy to react. If we feel hurt, we respond by saying something hurtful back. Now there are two people who are hurting. Yet when we pause, and get some space, we can then respond with intention, instead of reacting without thinking. 

This also might involve stepping out of a room if needed. 

COMPASSION. 

It took me years to realize that most people who criticize others often criticize themselves the same way. They are speaking to us the same way they speak to themselves, but they have to live with themselves 24/7! This does not justify another person’s behavior, but it is good to see that those around us might be hurting.

They are seeking to be seen, loved, and acknowledged, even if they go about it in bizarre ways. 

In spending time with family, we get to see all the ways we have grown … and all the areas of growth still to be had. 

Everyone is doing their best, and there is no “perfect” family.

I hope you have a season of deep lessons, joy, and healing. 

Also we just released Jon Kabat-Zinn’s talk from our recent Wisdom & AI Summit, and plan to release more soon.

If you want to connect with others and dive deeper in this topic of family, join us for two community sessions, “Lessons in Family: Navigating Smooth and Rough Waters” on Wednesday the 22nd and Friday December 1st at 9am PDT. (By Donation!)

You do not need to be seeing family over the holidays; you just need an interest in exploring family dynamics and how to engage wisely.