Correct, but not Right

Dear Friends,

When I was younger, I began reading dharma books and meditating, and I thought I could see various patterns in myself and others.

And I believed that the “right thing to do” was tell people what I noticed in them.

I would say, “You know Mary, you have this pattern of being passive aggressive.”

Or “John, you have this issue with denial and I want to bring it to your attention.”

And I actually thought people would respond:

“Oh my goodness, Soren, you are right! Thank you so much for telling me. I never noticed that before. You are so helpful.”

However, generally the response was quite the opposite! “Who in the hell do you think you are?”

Is Being Right Always Right?

It did not matter whether I was right or not, how I was communicating was not right.

My son and I used to give each other advice quite a bit, then we decided to ask the other, “I have some advice I want to give you. Do you want to hear it?”

The person can then choose. And if the person says no, the other has to respect that. When he responds this way with me, I can notice that part of me that thinks, “What! My advice will be so helpful to you!”

But it is not about me. He gets to decide. Do I really want to give him my advice when he does not want it? Who does that serve?

Capacity

I have learned that it is almost impossible to get someone to see what they do not have the capacity to see.

How do I know they do not have the capacity to see it? Because they do not see it!

It turns out, asking questions is usually much more helpful than giving answers.

Now, of course, issues need to be brought up with people, especially those we live close to, but for me, so much depends on our intention.

Are we trying to be right? Or to prove how “advanced” or smart we are?

I always appreciated Ram Dass’s quote on this:

"My job is to be a space in which people can let go of whatever they need to let go of. Nothing in me stops that."

We are not reinforcing certain patterns, nor are we trying to change someone.

We are a space where people can let go, if that is what they are ready for.

It asks us to be present more than be right, to focus on ourself more than someone else.

In the Wisdom 2.0 world, this Wednesday Dr Richard Schwartz and I begin our series on Personal and Social Change. We will explore the inner and outer journey of social change. Next week our Meditation Series starts. By donation.

We hope you can join us. More info below.

Blessings,

SOREN

Social Change Series

Dick Schwartz, IFS founder, and I will be leading a series in Personal Change, Collective Impact. We will explore how work on ourselves supports our work in the world. Join us!

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My partner Cecily Mak and I are also co-leading a retreat December 9-14 titled, A New Year Reset: Shedding Unwanted Habits with Self-Grace and Presence.

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